5 Reasons to Talk to Your Teen About Porn
REASON #1: It can be psychologically traumatizing and is often associated with symptoms listed under several diagnosable mental disorders.
The complexities of sexual functioning outside of the realm of pornography is only further exacerbated by the dysfunctional dynamics often portrayed in pornographic material. Such portrayals can lead to conditions and symptoms which are beyond many individual’s developmental capacity to navigate. When circumstances provide a context which brings a person outside of their capacity to effectively navigate, disorders and disordered behaviors are often manifest. This can and does often lead to the following conditions and meets criteria for many mental health diagnoses:
- Major Depressive Disorder
- Generalized and Social Anxiety Disorders
- Symptoms often associated with Attention Deficit Disorder [distractibility, motivational issues, impulse control problems, difficulty concentrating]
- Obsessive Compulsive Behaviors
- Eating Disorders
- Low-Self Esteem
- Unhealthy Isolation
- Irritability and Anger Management Problems
- Dysfunctional Dynamics within Relationships
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
REASON #2: Not talking about porn might leave the teen more susceptible to becoming addicted to it or have misinformed expectations about sexual intimacy.
Secrecy is the primary source of nourishment that any parasitic and disadvantageous addiction or behavior needs to thrive. Avoidance of approaching this topic feeds the secrecy and may unintentionally decrease traits of accountability, beneficial forms of emotional self-regulation and co-regulation, self confidence, as well as neglecting skills in practicing emotional vulnerability and relational tolerances of trust. So, by not talking about it, you may be inadvertently strengthening the landscape for further psychological/emotional/and potentially physical harm.
REASON #3: Porn is an awkward thing to talk about, and having a person who is willing to talk about awkward things is a priceless resource.
Building a trusting relationship with your child is of utmost importance for their physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological well being. Trust is safety, and emotional safety is the necessary condition for mental health and well being. So, being able to navigate “awkward things” like sex and sexuality broadens the capacity for safety and thus health for your child. However, just as it is with other threats to a teens safety, we parents cannot control their exposure to dangers completely… BUT we can let them know: 1) where danger exists, 2) where they can turn when feeling in danger, and 3) where they can go if they get damaged by that which is dangerous. Unprocessed emotional reactions to porn are dangerous. If you are lost as to where to start with conversations of sex and sexuality, begin simple and developmentally approachable — healthy behaviors and etiquette for friendship, then move more and more intimate in terms of etiquette referring back always to shallower forms of the relational context like acquaintances [social politeness]. All intimacy is built upon the initial layers of social politeness, honesty, trust, patience, humility, and consent. Consent being important at every stage of relational engagement and only becoming more important the more intimate a relationship dynamic gets.
REASON #4: Talking about sex and expectations regarding intimacy will increase the likelihood of them having healthy relationships in the future.
Having curious and compassionate conversations which allow your child to explore the emotional impact of any event, including watching porn, can provide your child with an opportunity to understand the emotional impact for themselves. Some helpful pursuits for your child could be: What did you see? Is that what you expected to see? What did you notice about the people? How did you feel while watching it? How did you feel afterward/now? Did you have any further questions about what you saw?…etc. These types of discussions: where a person is able to process the emotional impact of a situation or event for themselves — with your curiosity and compassion to securely contain/reflect back to them their emotional space — allows a person to identify what is happening for themselves [outside of your personal reactions or judgements and personal experiences]. If they can understand for themselves how they are emotionally reacting to an experience, they will be more likely to make informed decisions, maintain a sense of integrated self, and respond adequately to their situation.
It’s inappropriate and potentially harmful for parents to:
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- Share explicit personal sexual experiences.
- Describe sexual acts, partners, or preferences.
- Confide in children about adult sexual problems.
- Treat the child as an emotional peer or confidant regarding sexual matters.
REASON #5: Talking about sex can help bring to your awareness any insecurities or unprocessed emotional experiences you have with the topic of sexuality. This could result in you becoming a better person than you already are.
Again, it’s inappropriate and potentially harmful for parents to:
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- Share explicit personal sexual experiences.
- Describe sexual acts, partners, or preferences.
- Confide in children about adult sexual problems.
- Treat the child as an emotional peer or confidant regarding sexual matters.
Often times parents will avoid conversations on topics that are particularly uncomfortable to them for one reason or another. Just reading this article could make some readers nervous or uncomfortable. If this is you, you may want to look into counseling for some help in navigating this discussion for yourself before you counsel or try to console your child.
I have been a part of too many classes as a youth and an adult that suggest to me that the taboo topics [the one’s we don’t like to talk about] are typically the ones that hold the greatest potential to both hurt and heal us. Hurt, if left unprocessed. Heal, if processed.
WHAT NOW?
(…the average age of porn exposure is about 8-10 years old these days…and unfortunately it is likely only getting younger and younger with the advent of more portable, concealable, and invisible to a degree as experienced in temporary and/or auto-erasable age-inappropriate materials such as can be done in Snapchat)
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- Telegram: Features “Secret Chats” that provide end-to-end encryption and self-destructing messages with a custom timer.
- Instagram: Vanish Mode allows messages, photos, and videos to disappear after they are viewed.
- WhatsApp: Has an optional “disappearing messages” feature that can be set to delete messages after 24 hours, 7 days, or 90 days.
- Signal: Allows for self-destructing messages with a custom timer.
- Wickr Me: Focuses on privacy and allows users to send self-destructing messages, photos, and videos with end-to-end encryption.
- Facebook Messenger: Offers a vanishing mode for disappearing messages.
- Snow: A photo and video app that includes self-destructing messages.
- Clip Chat: A video messaging app where videos self-destruct after being opened.
- Bleep: A P2P service that includes a “Whisper” option to delete messages after they are read.
- DatChat: A messaging app with timed self-destruction and screenshot prevention.
While some argue features like auto-destruct/erase offer greater protection against more malicious behaviors like spreading child pornography permanently on the internet [due to the pictures not being permanently posted online] phones and even most tablets have a screenshot capture feature which makes this point entirely moot, and actually may suggest that these apps provide an outlet even more dangerous for child-predators to prey upon children/adolescents.
If you believe your child has a problem with porn or other behaviors mentioned in reason number one (depression, anxiety, isolation, etc) seek professional help. Depression, anxiety, and addiction are all treatable with licensed professionals. If you believe your child is involved in a sex-predator event please contact local authorities immediately to open a case to protect your child. Do not rely on myself or other treatment professionals or take on the task by yourself; whether you can or cannot manage it yourself as a parent of a minor, you do not have to and can find great support from mental health professionals during the process and aftermath and legal support from law enforcement divisions.
TIPS TO PARENTS:
The healthy and natural progression of sexual intimacy starts long before sex is the focus of pursuit. However, depending on the first exposure or repeated exposures to pornographic materials, that equation can be flipped upside down and really mess up a teen’s (and later adult’s) ability to establish and maintain meaningful casual and intimate relationships.
Help them understand that sex is more than just an event but an expression and expansion of other prerequisite forms of love [like friendship, courting, and, depending on your religious backgrounds, marriage]. Without some kind of a system of ethics backing it, sex can be dull or meaningless, and ultimately it is missing its highest potential for connecting people. The system of ethics that guides healthy intimacy starts with understanding your preferences, comfort levels, willingness to accept another’s preferences and comfort levels, and then mutual exploration under a guided system of care and respect for the other. These systems are either not present, or simply too subtle within pornographic materials and thus leads the consumer into very poorly defined systems of hurt, disrespect, objectification, demoralization, disappointment, and disillusionment.
Take this conversation as an opportunity to first explain about how the teen can explore healthy sexual intimacy rather than just explaining the dangers of viewing porn or participating in objectified sexual acts. Both sides of this conversation need to happen for healthy sexual intimacy to be understood by your child. The conversation of how they are allowed to explore sex needs to be present before or at least as you teach them the disallowed ways.
Medical texts which explain the body parts and functions can be helpful in this process.
On The Mend Counseling 